Is your teddy bear gettin' a little chunky?

I consider myself an expert on pop culture workouts. I've done the "George Jetson" along with Paula Abdul in her Get Up and Dance workout video, and found that tape surprisingly fun and easy to follow. At one point, I even owned the MTV Grind Workout Tai Funk Aerobics featuring the short-lived boyband C-Note. (That one was so bad I sold it on eBay almost immediately after purchasing it.)

I even have experience in the realm of toy exercise. Proof? Here's the review I wrote a while back of Dance Workout with Barbie. While I struggled a bit with Barbie's jerky motions, it can't compete with what I saw today on a Saturday morning TV commercial.

The Care Bears I remember from my childhood basically just sat around looking cute, but now they're as fitness-obsessed as the rest of America. Maybe I should just be happy that they're called the "Fun n' Fit Bears" and not "Low Carb Bears" or something, but these bears lead the stupidest workout I have ever seen. Barbie's workout movements are a little limited, but at least she has knees and elbows! And at least the people who made the Barbie workout had the common sense to include a crew of perky pre-teen backup dancers so you can watch real people do the moves when Barbie gets hard to follow.

From what I could tell on the Care Bears commercial, the Fun n' Fit Bear wiggles around a bit as it raises and lowers its arms to the tune of three songs (including a Care Bear rendition of Olivia Newton John's "Physical"). This might be just fine if your favorite stuffed animal needs a workout, but do the toy makers think this product is going to help America's fat, TV-watching youngsters slim down? Even if you could figure out the moves, what kind of exercise role model is a teddy bear? They're all soft and mushy, with no muscle definition at all! I bet they call this one Wish Bear because getting in shape with a Care Bear would take a damn lot of wishing.