Slurpees Get Strawsome!
Illustration of a Slurpee
Imagine the evolutionary chart: in the beginning there's an ape-man. In the end, an upright man. Now imagine that man is drinking a Slurpee. Now imagine that Slurpee has an edible straw.

Did I just blow your mind?

This is no joke, no prank, and definitely not an urban myth.

If you're still drinking from a plastic straw, you're living in the past. The future is all about eating the straw. And the future is now!

Last week I was in New Jersey, where for a mere forty-nine cents, you can revolutionize the Slurpee experience. 7-Eleven's edible-straw comes in two flavors: blue-raspberry and strawberry (get it? STRAWberry? The marketing guys must've put in some overtime.)

The straw is like a thick fruit roll-up. It's durable, but still edible. It's made, in part, by the manufacturers of WARHEADS candy. So the straw is coated with sour sugar.

Like the straw engineers at McDonald's, 7-Eleven's designers have crafted a wide-body straw: it's huge. Within minutes the straw gets frozen. And then it's a chore to eat the damn thing. And by the time you're done drinking the novelty has worn off. But wait -- there's more novelty to come.

For another forty-nine cents, you can get FrostillaVanilla.

Packaged as "Slurpee-infused gum," this candy could replace Freshen-Up as America's favorite "liquid filled gum." (Click to view the full wrapper.)

Here's my stream-of-conscious review as I try my first piece:

Powdery...Squirt...Eww...Syrupy...Like creamy vanilla...Or Vanilla Pepsi...But gum...What's up with so many vanilla products?...It's gonna be the new Crystal Pepsi...That sucked...Or was it Pepsi Blue...I know I had Pepsi Blue...And this gum is blue...I read that blue foods sell better...Maybe because there are no blue foods in nature...But this is terrible...I'm spitting it out...Maybe the second piece will be better...No...This is gross...I need some water...this gum is a disgrace to the Slurpee name.

--Kevin Maher
Illustrations by Lisa Beebe

Want more Slurpee fun?
Go to to see pictures of Slurpees.
Get the real thing at a store near you.
Visit My Slurpee Cup, a Slurpee fan site.
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