Cute as a button (an evil button).

Family secrets, evil twins, lost loves, baby-snatchings, and sordid pasts make up the lives of the rich elite of daytime television. Many soaps, like All My Children and Days of Our Lives, have developed over decades, but over the past few years a new soap has emerged -- a soap that breaks out of the usual daytime conventions in an effort to reach a younger audience. This soap can make us laugh, make us cry, and make us as the theme song says, "breathe in, breathe out..." This freshly scrubbed soap is known as Passions.

Set in a storybook town called Harmony, the show revolves around four big families: the Cranes, the Bennetts, the Russells, and the Lopez Fitzgeralds (who are my favorite because they're the most beautiful and the poorest which makes them the biggest threat to the richer families).

	Is Charity's little trip to hell going to destroy their relationship?

While the town of Harmony worries about missing parents or paternity tests, there is a bigger danger that they don't even know about. An evil witch named Hecuba has managed to throw the purest of Harmony's citizens, Charity, into the vast reaches of hell and has a plan to kill of all Harmony.

I could try to describe the craziness of each scene -- like the one where Miguel Lopez Fitzgerald fell from hell covered in a pinkish ectoplasmic goo, or when Hecuba the witch broke out into a disco dance to the song "Celebrate" as black balloons fell from the ceiling when she managed to thwart the efforts of the good townspeople. But since the show is mostly exposition (where they explain everything 500 times), you'll be able to see for yourself, if you watch it today, next week, or two months from now.

However, to give you a sensibility of some of the greater moments, I will list a few of my favorite quotes from this show, which can best be described as Saved By The Bell meets Dark Shadows.

Miguel discribes Charity's disappearance.
Miguel: We thought Charity had disappeared sleepwalking, but she didn't... Charity's bedroom closet had become a portal to hell and she was sucked in... She begged us to help save her by speaking through the computer... I wanted to save her as soon as I saw her, but Father Lonigan said I wasn't ready to fight evil.

Miguel explains the situation to a police officer.
Miguel: Chief Bennett -- we know where Charity is. I was there with her -- in hell.

	Are Grace's children turning evil?

Grace confronts her husband about his past.
Grace:Sam, I just... I need... I need time to think. I need time with my children, I have this --
Sam: What?
Grace: I don't know. It's more than a feeling. I have this sense that -- I am afraid that the same evil that crept into our marriage is trying to take over our children's lives.

The gates of hell close, as Sam enters.
Sam: Pilar, what the hell happened in here?
Father Lonigan: You're exactly right, Sam. Hell happened in here.

In the midst of this, Passions also manages to throw in the latest Top 40 tracks to emphasize the drama in a popcrazy way. Recent tracks that have surfaced during the love, lamenting, and lairs of witches include everything from Dido to U2.

So if you're unemployed, have a sick day, or have a television at work, you should totally check out Passions. Maybe it feels like it was written at a slumber party by preteen girls who watched too many episodes of Charmed, but just to see all the beautiful people in such obscure situations is worth it. If you can't watch the show, check out their website. You can get the scoop and even buy Passions merchandise. --Fred Flores